“Telling On” One’s Partner
One of the most common exchanges that occurs in couple therapy is the reporting or “telling on” - to the counselor - about the other partner’s “unacceptable behavior.” Then, more often than not, the “offending” partner responds defensively. Each partner seems to want to convince the counselor that their description of the behavior or incident is accurate and the other’s report is not.
Why do they do that?
What do they hope to achieve by reporting to the counselor that their partner is “wrong” and that they are “right”?
Do they expect the counselor to punish their partner and reward them in some way?
Is this an adult form of sibling rivalry in which both kids are “telling on” their sibling to their “mommy/daddy”?
Do they believe that being “right” about what happened is going to improve their relationship?
Is criticizing a partner’s behavior and “telling on” them an attempt to give “proof” to a third person of how victimized they are?
Is “telling on” one’s partner motivated by hope that the “telling on/sufferer” will win support, comforting, sympathy, empathy, etc. for the suffering he or she has been forced to endure?
Is the “telling on” partner asking for help dealing with their “offending” partner because they feel helpless?
Is the “telling on” partner actually saying “Help me! I don’t know what to do! See how difficult
my situation is!!”
Yes, of course. That’s the answer. “Please! Help me!” is what motivates “telling on.”
Donna Kimmel, PhD 10/25/2023