’23. Gaslighted? Ghosted?
In my experience, self-confidence immunizes individuals from perceiving themselves as “victims” of gaslighting or ghosting. Self-confidence lessens the need for others’ validation (and empathy). While other’s approval and affirmation are always welcome, the internal strength that self-confidence represents generates its own self-approval and self-affirmation. That someone else discounts or invalidates expressed feelings or points of view simply points to differences in personality, expectations and, especially, that other person’s relative inability to deal, competently, with their own discomfort.
In any case, the perceived “victim” of gaslighting or ghosting is looking for something the other person either can’t or won’t provide. That’s just a fact, and it makes sense to face that reality. Perceived “victims” have to ask themselves why they’re still hanging around with, or why they want to hang out with, someone who isn’t interested in their needs. Why does the “victim” continue to need something from the other, in spite of evidence that whatever is desired is not forthcoming? Doesn’t it make sense to simply change one’s expectations in view of the facts?
Other people behave the way they do for their own reasons. If what they do or don’t do is bothersome and absolutely intolerable, then we have to remove ourselves, if we can, or change our expectations. Complaining and criticizing don’t help us achieve our goals. Problem-solving that moves us toward meeting our own needs, motivated by self-respect, is the best response to others who can’t or won’t meet our (reasonable) needs.
Ultimately, we have to take responsibility for our own mental health. We really have no choice, because, although it may be hard to accept, we have no control over how other people behave. Who we are is about how we respond to others. If our self-respect and self-confidence need buttressing, professional services should be considered.
N.B. This message is not about victims of physical assault or physical violence. I am writing here about non-physical behaviors, within a relationship dynamic, that are experienced and perceived as destructive and injurious to oneself or others.