- updated: Jul. 06, 2023
Ideally, message receivers have the resilience and self-confidence to listen to even the most outrageous message with respect and calm. However, when a message receiver feels attacked, criticized or threatened by the sender’s message, he or she is likely to retaliate, leave or become mute. After all, it is natural for people to react to perceived threat with fight, flight or freezing.
So the questions receivers have to ask themselves are: “Just how vulnerable am I to feeling attacked, criticized or threatened by what my partner says or doesn’t say? Is there evidence that my partner actually has my back and I shouldn’t feel threatened? Am I proud of the way I respond to unpleasant messages? Am I too opinionated and inflexible about how people should express themselves? Why do I feel threatened anyhow? Is something terrible happening or about to happen?”
Obviously, that’s too much to think about in the heat of the moment. If you want to be able to respond constructively to unpleasant messages in the moment, you need at least one of the following two elements: 1) Strong self-confidence, which means relative immunity to others’ negativity or 2) calm responses you’ve rehearsed in preparation for being caught off guard and automatically “triggered” into thoughtless, emotional behavior. Prepared and rehearsed responses for anticipated “surprise attacks” are especially important for emotionally vulnerable responders.
I anticipate some readers will disagree with me, arguing that their intense emotional responses are justified because of the nature of the sender’s message.
Well, no. There’s no excuse for adults to expose their partners and children to out-of-control emotional explosions or counter-punching. A mentally resilient adult can exercise personal responsibility and choose how to behave under normal circumstances. However, there are several indisputable reasons why some adults exhibit intense, destructive emotional reactions and cannot control their emotions. The reasons exist in a person’s genetically predisposed brain circuitry as well as those created from learning and exposure.
In some cases the (primarily) genetically predisposed brain circuits that put “brakes” on destructive behavior are too weak to control the circuits aroused by perceived threat. Fight, flight, or freeze emotional reactions are allowed to expression. Some mental conditions demonstrate this characteristic. Second, individuals may have “learned” from early life experiences that intense emotionality is “normal” and expected in family dynamics.
If you want to be able to “put a lid on” potentially negative and relationship damaging messages and responses, I’d like to help you. You will discover whether genetic and/or learned behavior are the cause of your outbursts and you will also learn what to do about it.