- updated: Jul. 06, 2023
Don’t underestimate how easy it is to misinterpret your partner’s behavior as narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), when it’s actually adult ADHD. The internet has all sorts of blogs from women who describe male partners as narcissistic because they “lack empathy.” They believe the following behaviors represent lack of empathy and therefore narcissism.
- Isn’t “present.” He doesn’t listen to other’s concerns and feelings,
- Is more interested in the computer or phone than his partner,
- Doesn’t maintain attention when his or her partner is speaking, often looking away at something else happening in the area,
- Doesn’t follow through on promises he’s made. When you remind him, he often lashes out with impatience and anger, maybe even blaming you for being a nag.
- Ignores his spouse, not responding until his name is called several times,
- Gives plenty of attention to what interests him, but not to his partner (and family),
- Is impatient with partner/family, lashing out angrily at the smallest irritation,
- Makes decisions without asking for input from his partner,
- Seems bored with you now, in spite of passion during the courtship and early in the marriage,
- Leaves events, complaining that he’s bored,
- Constant requests for sex, but isn’t interested in “love-making,”
- Takes over the conversation, talking endlessly, even changing the subject as he talks,
- Interrupts other people, while they are speaking,
- Forgets important events such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc.,
- Is often late for activities with wife and family, but never for others and activities he likes,
- Complains that you’re too sensitive, needy, controlling or dependent,
- Isn’t supportive of you the way you believe an empathic person would be,
- Is unreliable, leaving you to do everything,
- Makes decisions on the basis of his own interests and desires without considering your point of view,
- Hyper-focuses in what interests him, but shows little interest in what’s important to you,
- Is chronically disappointing,
or, said another way, (usually) a male partner who – - Often is easily distracted by extraneous stimuli. (Loses interest in what you are saying or doing.)
- Often makes decisions impulsively. (Seems to ignore your point of view.)
- Often has difficulty stopping activities or behavior when they should do so. (Seems to ignore your requests for participation.)
- Often starts a project or task without reading or listening to directions carefully.(Refuses to take your suggestion that he read the directions, but, plows ahead, with apparent confidence in his abilities – probably with a negative outcome.)
- Often shows poor follow through on promises or commitments they make to others.(Doesn’t do what he said he would do and makes up excuses for not doing it or says you never asked.)
- Often has trouble doing things in their proper order or sequence.(Takes on projects in a haphazard way, ignoring your advice; and, may even be impatient with you for trying to help.)
- Often drives a motor vehicle much faster than others. (This is self-explanatory.)
- Often has difficulty holding attention in tasks or leisure activities. (In other words, gets bored easily.)
- Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities. (Tends to leave messes everywhere – except perhaps at work – which you eventually feel you have to clean up.)
If that sound like your partner, first, please note that those behaviors are characteristic of adults with untreated ADHD. Second, nothing on that list suggests actual narcissism because the core features of narcissism according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders V are:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance,
- A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love,
- A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions,
- A need for excessive admiration,
- A sense of entitlement,
- Interpersonally exploitive behavior,
- A lack of empathy,
- Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her.
Now, here’s the confusion between ADHD and narcissism. The inattentiveness, restlessness, relative unreliability and other distressing behaviors of an ADHD-probable partner can be misinterpreted as lack of empathy because the person with ADHD is not as responsive and reciprocal as one would expect. It is easy to assume that the perceived inattention and disregard they demonstrate is simply caused by lack of empathy. However, while a person could be narcissistic or have NPD, it is more likely that the “neglectful” behavior you experience is due to your partner’s adult ADHD, which is more common than NPD. It is possible that the hurt, anger, and frustration you feel are because you’ve taken your partner’s disappointing behavior personally, which isn’t surprising. However, while it is true that for a narcissist, your dismay has little import, to someone with ADHD, your expressed dismay often generates guilt as well as just more proof that he or she is truly inadequate. Rarely are people with ADHD grandiose or proud of themselves. They do not go around exploiting others. On the contrary, they are usually deeply self-critical and lacking in real self-confidence. That fact alone could differentiate between narcissists or NPD and those who have ADHD. People with ADHD would never say they are better than others; their own experiences of “chronic failure” (in their own view) demonstrate to them that they are not as good as others!
So, what does all this mean? It means that women who “diagnose” and label their male partners as narcissistic (whether they are or not) are feeling neglected, hurt and angry because the reciprocation expected in a partnership is spotty, at best. That these women feel frustrated by a rather unreliable and, seemingly, inconsiderate partner is completely understandable. Needs are unmet and expectations are dashed.
However, it is how the women feel and how they believe other people should behave that lead them to label ADHD behavior as narcissistic and selfish. Probably, being emotionally sensitive and compassionate women, themselves, they conclude that the absence in their partners of “what they would do,” means their partner is intentionally neglectful and unloving or simply empathy-deficient, and, therefore, narcissistic and selfish.
But, guess what? Women married to men with undiagnosed or untreated ADHD have the same complaints!
You may say, so what? In either case he’s not a caring, considerate partner! I’ve tried everything, and I’m sick of it!
The “so what” is this: ADHD is a brain-based condition that almost always responds to treatment. At this time, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not predictably modified.
Proper ADHD treatment helps a great deal with hypo- or hyper-attention, distractibility, and internal restlessness along with executive functioning deficiencies such as: short term memory, organizing, prioritizing, considering future consequences of current action, self-awareness, stopping and starting easily, awareness of time, emotion and impulse control, sustained attention and focus on uninteresting tasks, and planning.
If you have an ADHD-probable partner who acknowledges that ADHD might be a factor in his or her performance difficulties and agrees to professional assessment and treatment, you will see quite a difference in his or her behavior. On the other hand, true narcissists are not likely to acknowledge problems, seek help or respond to treatment.
So, before you reject your male partner because he’s “narcissistic” and lacking in empathy, consider the possibility of adult ADHD.
And, by the way, within a normal population, perfectly healthy people have varying degrees of empathy. Just because someone lacks the sensitivity (empathy) of another, it does not mean he or she is narcissistic or has NPD.
I’ll discuss these matters further in Part 2, where I write about ADHD in more detail and in Part 3, with a more complete description of narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.