- updated: Jul. 06, 2023
There are Russian/Yiddish proverbs that go something like this:
“Horseradish is not sweeter than radish.” “To a worm in a radish, the radish, his radish, is the whole world.” “When a worm sits in horseradish, it thinks there’s nothing sweeter.”
And, somewhere, I learned of an apparent combination of those proverbs that’s the title of this blog:
“A worm in a radish doesn’t know what it’s like in an apple.”
To me, that saying sums up why I think many people come for counseling. They’re trying to change their radish into an apple! The problem is – they’re not really familiar with what “an apple” is, so they don’t know how to achieve it. It’s like another saying:
“If you don’t know where you’re going, you can’t get there.”
When I discussed this situation with one of my clients, she asked me how she could get herself into an apple. And, how she could learn what an apple actually is?
That’s a tough question, because on a superficial level, each of us might want an apple with different features. Consider what qualities are asked for on online dating sites: sense of humor, a certain level of education, liking long walks or travel or cooking or children or whatever, religiosity or not, and so on. But, being in an apple is something quite different.
Being in an apple means having a life in which you are, and, you actually feel, loved, respected, considered and supported by another, and, especially, by yourself.
So, then, how do I answer my client’s question? How do I help people get “there” when that place is unfamiliar to them? How do I teach people, for whom from childhood, love, kindness, respect, consideration and support were in short supply, if they were there at all? Would they recognize any of those qualities in someone else and choose them instead of what they’ve always known? We know that young people who’ve been abused often end up, as adults, with abusing partners. And would they, themselves, be partners who would demonstrate love, kindness, respect, consideration and support to others?
Fortunately, an answer to her question came to mind. In Solution Focused Brief Therapy clients are asked what they wish for. They’re asked if they ever experienced anything like what they wish for now. Usually, a client has experienced – at least to some degree - at different times in their lives perhaps, from one or more persons – love and/or kindness and/or respect and/or consideration and/or support.
Then, remembering and savoring that or those experiences becomes the focus of attention. Re-experiencing that “apple.” Staying with it. Feeling it. Growing it. Enveloping oneself in the apple one actually had!